Rules for Living Read online

  Sam Holcroft

  RULES FOR

  LIVING

  NICK HERN BOOKS

  London

  www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

  Contents

  Title Page

  Original Production

  Acknowledgements

  Characters

  Notes on the Rules

  Rules for Living

  About the Author

  Copyright and Performing Rights Information

  Rules for Living was first performed in the Dorfman auditorium at the National Theatre, London, on 13 March 2015, with the following cast:

  MATTHEW

  Miles Jupp

  CARRIE

  Maggie Service

  SHEENA

  Claudie Blakley

  ADAM

  Stephen Mangan

  EDITH

  Deborah Findlay

  FRANCIS

  John Rogan

  EMMA

  Daisy Waterstone

  Director

  Marianne Elliott

  Designer

  Chloe Lamford

  Lighting Designer

  Neil Austin

  Music

  Adrian Sutton

  Sound Designer

  Ian Dickinson

  Fight Director

  Kate Waters

  Company Voice Work

  Jeannette Nelson

  Staff Director

  Melanie Spencer

  Acknowledgements

  Special thanks to Paul Lamond Games, creators and manufacturers of the fantastic card game Bedlam. In a play about constantly changing rules this game seemed the perfect complement.

  Special thanks to Melanie Fennell, writer of Overcoming Low Self-Esteem – a self-help guide using cognitive behavioral techniques. Both the title of the play (Rules for Living) and its central conceit (characters obeying various ‘rules’ based out of their insecurities) were inspired by this brilliant book.

  Thanks to all those who helped to develop the play in workshops including Mark Rose, Helen Schlesinger, John Heffernan, Deborah Findlay, Dan Skinner, Maggie Service, Miles Jupp, Nick Sidi and Lucy Robinson. And thanks to those directors who played Bedlam with me for hours: Amy Hodge, Daniel Bailey, Tim Hoare, Hannah Mulder, Tom Hughes and Bryony Shanahan.

  Thanks to all at the National Theatre Studio.

  Thanks to the cast, crew and design team.

  Thanks to Nick Hytner, Sebastian Born and Ben Power.

  Thanks to Mel Kenyon and Lydia Raine.

  Thanks to my family.

  Enormous thanks to Marianne Elliott.

  And lastly, but most importantly, thanks to Ali. My hero.

  S.H.

  Characters

  MATTHEW, thirties, boyfriend of Carrie

  CARRIE, thirties, girlfriend of Matthew

  SHEENA, forties, married to Adam

  ADAM, forties, married to Sheena

  EDITH, sixties, married to Francis, mother to Adam and Matthew

  FRANCIS, seventies, married to Edith, father to Adam and Matthew

  EMMA, fourteen, daughter of Adam and Sheena

  Setting

  The entire play is set in an open-plan kitchen/living room, or kitchen-conservatory of a family home on Christmas Day.

  There are three entrances: one to the garden, one leading to the rest of the house, and one opening onto a utility room/larder.

  Notes on the Rules

  The rules are cumulative: once they appear, each rule applies throughout the rest of the play.

  The rules will work best if integrated into organic actions – characters finding naturalistic reasons to sit, stand, etc.

  The rules give both ‘necessary and sufficient’ conditions to the characters. By which I mean: when a rule states that ‘Matthew must sit to tell a lie,’ this means both that ‘when Matthew is sitting, he is always lying’, and that ‘when Matthew is lying, he is always sitting.’ The audience will gradually learn this from watching the play unfold. I decided not to clutter the rules by attempting to express it directly (‘Matthew may sit if and only if he is lying…’).

  This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed.

  ACT ONE

  Scene One

  25th December, mid-morning.

  An open-plan kitchen/living room or kitchen-conservatory of a large family home.

  CARRIE and MATTHEW, an unmarried couple in their thirties, unpack their contributions onto the kitchen table: food, alcohol, presents.

  MATTHEW. Carrie… are you okay?

  CARRIE. What?

  MATTHEW. Are you okay?

  CARRIE. Am I okay?

  MATTHEW. Yes.

  CARRIE. Yes, of course I’m okay. I’m fine.

  MATTHEW. Honey, I know that face – what’s wrong?

  CARRIE. Shush.

  MATTHEW. Sheena can’t hear us.

  CARRIE. Would you keep your voice down?

  MATTHEW. She’s two floors up; she can’t hear us. (Calling.) Sheena?

  CARRIE. Matthew.

  MATTHEW (calling louder). Sheena?

  There is no response.

  See? I grew up in this house – I know what you can get away with: about seventy decibels. What’s wrong?

  CARRIE. Nothing.

  MATTHEW. Carrie, she can’t hear us.

  CARRIE. Yeah, because five minutes through the door I manage to repel her up the stairs.

  MATTHEW. What are you talking about? She went to check on Emma.

  CARRIE. It was just a joke. It’s a natural reflex: if you’re going to give me a set-up, then I’m going to deliver a punchline. Anyone who tells me that Father Christmas arrived with a full sack last night is going to get the same answer: ‘That’s because he only comes once a year!’

  MATTHEW. Oh that. That was funny.

  CARRIE. Then why didn’t she laugh?

  MATTHEW. She did.

  CARRIE. That was a fake laugh.

  MATTHEW. Honey, I’ve known Sheena since I was eleven, she wasn’t pretending.

  CARRIE. Really?

  MATTHEW. Honestly.

  CARRIE. Okay. I mean she married your brother so she must have a sense of humour.

  MATTHEW. Carrie?

  CARRIE. No, no I mean because he’s funny. Not because he’s funny peculiar, he’s funny funny. And, you know, opposites attract so – not that she’s not funny, I didn’t mean she’s not funny, she’s, like, super-intelligent, and, and intense… ly clever, so maybe it was just too childish for her, maybe I should aim a little higher?

  MATTHEW. Honey, don’t over-analyse it. Maybe she’s tired? Her daughter’s really sick; she’s got a lot on her mind. Don’t take it personally. Just be yourself.

  CARRIE. Yeah but sometimes ‘myself’ is a bit much, you know, for some people. Should I rein it in a bit? You can tell me, I won’t mind. I know how much your family means to you. I should tone it down a bit, shouldn’t I? You can say.

  MATTHEW. Well, it’s not rocket science, Carrie, just don’t be vulgar.

  CARRIE. Vulgar? You think I’m vulgar?

  MATTHEW. No, I don’t think you’re vulgar.

  CARRIE. Then who does? Did your mum call me vulgar?

  MATTHEW. No, no, I just meant that the things we joke about together aren’t necessarily the things to joke about in front of my family. Not everybody has the same sense of humour.

  CARRIE. Yes, hello, I know that. I paid a lot of money to learn all about that. Do I walk into your office and tell you how to be a lawyer?

  MATTHEW. No, but you’d ask me to tone it down if I went to stay with your family and dispensed legal advice five minutes after walking through the door.

  Beat.

  CARRIE. Wow. Say what
you really feel, why don’t you?

  MATTHEW. Carrie –

  CARRIE. You sure know how to make a girl feel better about herself.

  MATTHEW. Honey, you just said I should be honest.

  CARRIE. No, no, don’t let me stop you. But on the subject of honesty, might I remind you, that if you wanted a wallflower for a girlfriend, you shouldn’t have picked me!

  Scene Two

  The following rule is displayed to the audience for the duration of the scene:

  Rule 1: Matthew must sit to tell a lie

  When it is indicated that MATTHEW either sits or stands, he must remain either seated or standing until stated otherwise.

  MATTHEW. Carrie, that’s… that’s what you got from what I just said? That I want a wallflower for a girlfriend? I didn’t say that. I’d never say that. Honey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Hey, look at me. Carrie, honey, please don’t do this, not today, it’s Christmas –

  CARRIE. I’m sorry. I hate being like this. I don’t want to be this irritating, whining person. I just… I just really want your family to like me.

  MATTHEW. I know, I know. (Sitting.) And they do. They do like you.

  CARRIE. They don’t know what to make of me. I’m never going to fit in.

  MATTHEW (remaining seated). Of course you’re going to fit in. You do. Fit in. Currently.

  CARRIE. You’re just saying that.

  MATTHEW. I’m not just saying that.

  CARRIE. What about your mum, what does she say about me? Does she say I’m funny?

  MATTHEW (standing). Mum said you’re always seeing the funny side of things.

  CARRIE. And she said she liked that?

  MATTHEW (sitting). Absolutely.

  CARRIE. Really? Because I get the feeling she sees me as your… act of rebellion: in everything else you made the sensible decision. And then you met The Actress.

  MATTHEW (standing). Carrie, we’ve been over this: before I went to law school I appeared in no less than fourteen amateur musicals. The only surprise to my family is that you’re an actress not an actor. So just relax. This isn’t an audition: you don’t need to entertain them; you could just try talking to them. Or better yet, listen. As a general rule, people think you’re a really interesting person if you let them talk at you about something of real interest to them.

  They smile at each other.

  CARRIE. I’m sorry that we keep having this same conversation.

  MATTHEW (sitting). That’s okay. I don’t mind. We’ll keep doing it until we get it right.

  CARRIE. That’s what you said to me the first time we made love.

  MATTHEW (standing). Yeah, that’s the kind of joke you can’t make in front of my mother.

  CARRIE. Got it. No probs. Hey, Matthew? I know I must drive you a bit nuts, but you’re so patient with me, and I want you to know that after a whole year, I’m still so in love with you.

  MATTHEW (sitting beside her). I’m still so in love with you too.

  They kiss. SHEENA enters.

  (Standing, breaking away from CARRIE.) Sheena! Hey, hey. How’s Emma? Shall I go up?

  SHEENA. Could you give her half an hour? She’s just having a little rest.

  MATTHEW. Sure, sure no problem. Whatever you want, whatever you need.

  SHEENA (referring to their contributions). Well, look at all this: you’ve brought so much. These look… what are these?

  CARRIE. Mince pies. I make them with filo pastry. It’s more like a mince parcel.

  SHEENA. A mince parcel, that’s hilarious. I bet they’re delicious.

  MATTHEW (sitting). They really are.

  CARRIE. Thanks, baby.

  MATTHEW (standing). So how can we help? What can we do? Give us jobs.

  SHEENA. Yes, jobs – wouldn’t be Christmas without them. There’s still a list as long as my arm despite your mother having it all prepared and in the freezer by last January!

  SHEENA and MATTHEW laugh. It unsettles CARRIE; she adjusts her appearance.

  Edith is the most organised woman you’ll ever meet.

  CARRIE. I’ve met her four times.

  SHEENA. I know, I mean in general. Christmas Day in this house is carried out with military precision.

  MATTHEW. There’s a very strict timetable.

  SHEENA. And she only uses the twenty-four-hour clock.

  MATTHEW. We don’t eat at 1 p.m., we eat at –

  SHEENA/MATTHEW. Thirteen hundred hours!

  SHEENA and MATTHEW laugh. CARRIE smiles along; she adjusts her appearance.

  SHEENA. Actually we should get moving. Your mum’s concerned there aren’t enough carrots.

  MATTHEW. That is concerning.

  SHEENA. I know. And we haven’t laid the table.

  MATTHEW. Shay, I think that’s a Code-Red Situation.

  SHEENA. Crimson alert!

  MATTHEW. Lock down the building. Evacuate non-essential personnel!

  SHEENA and MATTHEW share a generous laugh.

  CARRIE laughs along and adjusts her appearance.

  SHEENA. So, Carrie, d’you want to do the carrots, and, Matt, you and I can lay the table? Carrots are in the bottom of the fridge; there should be a peeler in the utensil drawer.

  MATTHEW. I’ll get them for you.

  SHEENA. D’you mind if I move your stuff off the table?

  CARRIE. Oh, sure, sorry, I…

  SHEENA. Carrie, why don’t we move you… over here, is that all right?

  CARRIE. Sure, of course.

  MATTHEW (fetching and delivering items to CARRIE). Shay, has Mum said any more about Dad?

  SHEENA. No, as far as I’ve heard he’s recovering well. Adam can tell you more when he gets here.

  MATTHEW. Where is he?

  SHEENA. Oh, sorry, I should’ve said, we forgot the cranberry sauce. So Adam ran out to buy some, but that was an hour ago, so I can only assume he’s actually foraging the hedgerows for cranberries. I’m sure he’ll find his way home at some point between now and –

  MATTHEW. The New Year!

  MATTHEW and SHEENA share another laugh.

  CARRIE laughs too; she adjusts her appearance.

  SHEENA (to MATTHEW). It’s so good to see you. (Remembering CARRIE.) Both of you. It’s really good to see you. Both.

  MATTHEW (standing). You too. You look well.

  SHEENA. Do I? I don’t feel it.

  MATTHEW. You do. You look really well.

  SHEENA. Oh thanks. Thank you. You always say the nicest things. (Beat.) Carrie?

  CARRIE. Yes?

  SHEENA. This is your first Christmas together as a couple, isn’t it?

  CARRIE. Yeah, it’s a big step. We’ve been looking forward to it for ages, haven’t we?

  MATTHEW (to SHEENA). These side plates?

  SHEENA. That’s a cheese plate.

  CARRIE. But enough about me, what about you, you’re not with your family this year, obviously, because you’re here.

  SHEENA. I am.

  CARRIE. You are.

  SHEENA. My family’s complicated: my parents are divorced.

  CARRIE. Oh sorry…

  SHEENA. It’s not a sensitive issue. That said, Christmas negotiations are generally fraught – December’s like a custody battle in my family.

  MATTHEW gives SHEENA an encouraging laugh.

  Matt knows. My parents are a nightmare, aren’t they?

  MATTHEW (remaining standing). They’re… certainly opinionated.

  SHEENA. Ever the diplomat. My parents are also lawyers; they can negotiate with everyone but each other. At my wedding – you remember?

  MATTHEW. Of course I remember.

  SHEENA. My mother actually interrupted the father-of-the-bride-speech by shouting –

  MATTHEW/SHEENA. Objection!

  MATTHEW and SHEENA share another laugh.

  It unsettles CARRIE; she adjusts her appearance.

  Scene Three

  The following rules are displayed to the audience for the duration of the scene:


  Rule 1. Matthew must sit to tell a lie

  Rule 2. Carrie must stand to tell a joke

  When it is stated that CARRIE either sits or stands she must remain sitting or standing until stated otherwise.

  SHEENA and MATTHEW stand to lay the table. CARRIE sits to peel carrots.

  SHEENA. He does such a good impression of my mum – you’d have to know her to appreciate it, but it’s spot on. You’re wasted as a solicitor, you should be on a stage.

  MATTHEW (sitting). No I shouldn’t.

  SHEENA. I’ll never forget your Major General in the Pirates of Penzance – you were fantastic!

  MATTHEW (standing). Thanks, thank you. You say the nicest things.

  SHEENA. That reminds me, Carrie, I can’t tell you how much we enjoyed watching your TV show, the… the period drama…

  CARRIE. A Whisper of Autumn.

  SHEENA. A Whisper of Autumn – it was brilliant, you were brilliant.

  CARRIE. It was only a small part.

  SHEENA. It was a great part. Your character was really important – pivotal, actually – you poisoned the Archduke.

  CARRIE. That was the scullery maid.

  SHEENA. Of course it was, of course. You, you…

  CARRIE. Stole the letter.

  SHEENA. You stole the letter. Exactly. And if you hadn’t done that then, then… it wouldn’t… none of it would have been the same. Would it?

  CARRIE. Well… I suppose he wouldn’t have met the Countess. She was great, wasn’t she?

  SHEENA. She’s a great actress, she’s properly brilliant. Isn’t she?

  MATTHEW. Oh yeah, she’s properly brilliant.

  SHEENA. So funny.

  MATTHEW. And witty.

  CARRIE. Well that’s the script. I had some pretty funny lines, too –

  SHEENA. It’s her timing, maybe, or her expression.

  CARRIE. – I was quite lucky.

  MATTHEW. She has a great face.

  SHEENA. Such a great face.

  CARRIE (standing). ‘It wasn’t just his purse that was small, if you take my meaning!’

  Beat.

  SHEENA. Oh yes, yes that was your line. I remember, it was great. Well done.